


anxiety

by teddygirl105



Category: The Boyz (Korea Band)
Genre: Anxiety, Anxiety Attacks, Canon Compliant, Depression, Gen, Inspired by Celeste, Panic Attacks
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-12-29
Updated: 2018-12-29
Packaged: 2019-09-29 04:17:43
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,409
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17196371
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/teddygirl105/pseuds/teddygirl105
Summary: "....and that scares me. I don't like scaring myself. I don't..."





	anxiety

**Author's Note:**

> having watched and played a lot of celeste recently, this fic is based off of it. more specifically, the reversed audio during the mirror temple.
> 
> the game itself is great, being a puzzle-platformer while at the same time, showing a very accurate representation of anxiety and fear in a creative way. 10/10 I highly recommend playing or watching the game.
> 
>  
> 
> **very, very sensitive topics are talked about. read at your own discretion. ******

Sangyeon has always been plagued by dark thoughts.

Ever since he became a teenager, ever since more responsibilities were put onto his shoulders and more and more burdens came across him.

They started off small. Things that sat in the back of his head, never seeming to grow but always being right there to remind him. It didn’t bother him at first, just annoying whenever he would stumble onto to them again.

Time went on, as he got older, they got bigger.

He thought of them more often, bigger things came his way and more responsibilities came across him. Soon enough, he had the future of 11 other people on him.

He didn’t necessarily choose to be the leader of this new boy group. There were times where leaders weren’t the oldest member. BTS was one of them. But, being older usually meant more experience, and it seemed like a natural choice.

To think that he would be trusted with such a role made him a bit flabbergasted. He would be the one to communicate between the group and the company, deal with any problems between them and make sure the group stayed on good terms. Plus, if something went wrong, he would be the one taking the main blame.

**“can you really take on such a role? to think, you’ve basically got the lives of 11 other people depending on you. it’d be a shame if something went wrong.”**

“Oh shut up, why don’t you.” he muttered, lying on his bed. It was well past 2 am, their debut showcase in just a few hours. They would finally, truly become The Boyz.

And yet, despite all the good things that had happened to them so far, Flower Snack Shop, the Heart to Heart, and so much more, he couldn’t help but worry. Worry that even though they had so much support already, that something would happen and then would suddenly fall. He’s seen it before.

**“oh, I’m not gonna say anything else. just don’t mess up. you know what’ll happen.”**

He hopes it won’t happen to them.

The dark tendrils of his conscious begin to overtake his mind, corrupting it with fear.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

**“oh, would you look at that. one of your members is out. poor hyunjoon. is this the end for him? for your group?”**

“He got surgery. He just needs to rest. He’ll be back soon.” he retorted, his face eerily calm. Despite that, he couldn’t help but worry, his hands trembling ever so slightly and his heart beating a little harder.

Hyunjoon was hurt. Even though he couldn’t prevent anything, he couldn’t help but feel a little guilty. He was the leader after all. It was his job to take care of his members, and he had failed.

**“to think that he didn’t tell you that he was hurting. maybe he doesn’t trust you. aww, is sangyeon not being a good leader?”**

“Hyunjoon isn’t one who enjoys opening up. I know he doesn’t want to burden the team. Everyone doesn’t. That’s why they keep things to themselves.” he tries to argue with himself, convince the darker part of him that they’re just overreacting to the situation.

He doesn’t like how it isn’t working.

**“try harder, sweetie. be someone useful for once.”**

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Sangyeon stares at himself in the mirror, unmoving and calm.

It was break time in the practice room, everyone exhausted and craving a nice nap. Sangyeon was eager for that too, but right now, there were more important things on his mind.

**“so hyunjoon is back. boo. i really thought it was the end of him. i guessed wrong. but you know, my gut feelings tells me that something else is gonna happen. and you know that i’m never wrong.”**

“Fuck you.” he whispered, low enough so that no one other than himself could hear. His thoughts were plaguing him constantly, more so than during debut, and it was finally beginning to take its toll on him.

Looking into the mirror, it’s almost as if his reflection warps. Instead of Sangyeon, he sees someone else. Not even a person, but… a thing. Darkness, blobs of matter clumping together to create a pile just as tall as Sangyeon, red eyes poking out from all over, frantically looking around.

**“is this how you portray me? i’m offended. i look so… ugly. then again, i am your ugliest thoughts. i guess that makes some sense, doesn’t it? but shouldn’t I be… oh i don’t know, more like you? aren’t I you?”**

The blob slowly begins to shift, compacting together into a more human-like mass. The eyes retreat back into the darkness, leaving only two of them at the very top. It looks more like Sangyeon.

**“that’s much better.”**

He swears that he sees the flash of a smile, taunting and horrifying, but it disappears. It looks so much like him, but it doesn’t. Who the hell was he looking at?

**“that’s a good question. i wonder who that is. is it you? is it me? who are you looking at? who’s looking at you?”**

The mass begins to move, slowly lifting its arms up. Stepping out of the mirror, it lunges towards Sangyeon, hands grasping for his neck-

“Sangyeon-hyung!”

He jumps, and suddenly the figure is gone. It’s just himself, his reflection, and the other members looking at him with a worried look.

“Are you okay? You seemed to blank out for a moment.” Changmin asks, and he nods. He’s fine. No one is here to hurt him. He’s safe.

“Just tired. Let’s get back to it.” he speaks, addressing everyone, and they yell enthusiastically.

**“nice save. you’ll need to try harder next time.”**

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

He’s sitting alone in the practice room. It’s dark, he can’t see two feet in front of him, and it feels like he’s suffocating.

**“see, told you. things got worse. now two of them are sick. tada!”**

It isn’t his fault. He can’t prevent sickness.

**“you guys were well due for flu shots. come on, i thought you were smarter than this, Sangyeon.”**

They were busy. It slipped his mind. It isn’t his fault, it isn’t his fault it isn’t his fault it is not his fault and he can’t do anything about because it isn’t his fault-

_“remember the feather.”_

Sangyeon stops his thoughts, a clear voice calling out to him. A feather. Right. It was a trick his old friend taught him once, when he had a panic attack in front of them.

_“close your eyes, and imagine a feather in front of you, lying on the ground. your breathing keeps the feather afloat. keep it off the ground, not too high for it to fly away, but not too low for it to lose the wind and fall. that’s it, steady breathing.”_

Taking deep breaths, Sangyeon began to slowly calm himself down. He could feel his chest loosening up, the suffocating feeling slowly diminishing, and the urge to submit fade away.

_“good, that’s it. do you feel better now? keep on doing this until everything goes away.”_

Immersed in his state, Sangyeon could feel himself flying. As if he was the feather, floating along the wind, being balanced by his own breathing. Everything was calm, the wind was steady, and he felt like he could float like this forever.

**“what are you doing?”**

“I’ve decided.” he answers. “I know who you are now.”

**“you do?”**

“Yes. You’re everything I need to leave behind. You torment me to no end. But, I understand now. I don’t need you anymore.”

**“are you… abandoning me?”**

“No. I’m letting you free. We’ll both be happier this way.”

**“you… you’re so…”**

 

**_“SO STUPID!”_ **

 

All of a sudden, the feather in front of him is grabbed by a dark tendril, pulled away into nothingness. Sangyeon’s sense of calm is gone, and the dread fills up again.

**“do you really think you can just leave me? blame everything on me? do you? huh?”**

Sangyeon doesn’t say a word, too busy trying to envision the feather in his mind again and be grounded.

**_“ANSWER ME!”_ **

He can’t envision it no matter how hard he tries, and it feels like there’s something choking him. Red eyes stare at him, digging deep into his soul and burning a hole.

“stop… please…”

 **“stop? you want me to stop? listen, Lee Sangyeon.** **_you have no control over me._ ** **if you think it’s as easy as throwing me away, then you’re wrong. whatever shitty idea you thought of is** **_worthless_** **.”**

 **“you, are** **_worthless_** **. whatever made you think that becoming a singer was a good choice? and a leader no less? look at you! unable to even deal with his own thoughts.”**

 **“** ** _they’d be better without you._ ** **hell, half the time you don’t even act as the leader. that just goes to show how complete, and utterly** **_worthless_ ** **you are. a fool would do better than you.”**

Sangyeon can’t hear anything over the screams of his inner self, the cries as he yells in panic and in fear, and the blaring alarms that his mind keeps on ringing, over and over. Those tendrils of darkness surround him, holding him still as they slowly begin to crush him, taking over his mind.

It hurts.

He doesn’t like it.

He wants it to stop.

 **“i don’t think you heard me. let me say it one more time.** **_you. are. worthless._ ** **”**

“No.” he whispers, his voice cracking as he slowly curls himself up into a tight ball. “no, no no no stop please what did i do wrong i didn’t meant to do anything why whywhywhywhy-”

The door swings open and the lights are turned on, but Sangyeon doesn’t notice it. He doesn’t hear the people calling for him until someone yells his name.

“Sangyeon!”

His eyelids fly open, and only now is he aware of the tears trailing down his cheeks and how his entire body is shaking uncontrollably.

He sees the members, all of them, including Kevin and Changmin, the ones who are supposed to rest. They look at him with a sort of pity and pain, as well as regret that they never knew how much he was suffering.

**“oh. they’re here.”**

“Sangyeon,” Jacob starts, crouching down in front of him. “Am I allowed to hold your hands?” he asks gently, and Sangyeon nods shakily.

His hands grasp them tightly, squeezing them to assure that he’s right there, in front of him, and that he isn’t leaving anytime soon.

“You’re okay now.” he whispers. “There isn’t anything that will hurt you. You’re safe now. Deep breaths. _Imagine a feather._ ”

Though the small part of him that was conscious questioned why Jacob knew about the feather technique, the distressed part of him quickly overtook him, desperate for any help.

As much as the tendrils try to come back, with Jacob methodically stroking his knuckles, Sangyeon is able to calm down fully, the tears coming to a stop and his body calm. His feather remains balanced in the air.

“Do you feel better now?” Jacob asks, and Sangyeon nods.

“...Thank you.” he manages to croak out, his throat sore from crying.

“It’s nothing.” The others have gone from standing to sitting close by, giving moral support. “Do you want to talk about it, or…?”

Sangyeon dwells on that thought for a bit, before nodding.

“I… yes. It’s about time I should.”

And he does. He tells him when it all started, how it began to grow, and how it felt for him.

“Sometimes, I… don't really know… what's going on anymore.” he starts, still a bit hesitant. “I… I don't know… who I am. I just… look in the mirror, and… don't know who I'm looking at, or… who's looking at me.” Sangyeon looks at Jacob, who gives him a nod of encouragement to continue.

“I… think a lot… about… where… my train of thought is going, and it's not always a good place… and that scares me. I don't like scaring myself. I… don't-"

With a choked sob, Sangyeon ducks his head, hiding the tears that fall from his eyes. He can’t muster up the voice to finish his sentence, no matter how hard he tries. It’s as if there’s something in his throat restricting him.

“Don’t force yourself to finish.” Kevin speaks, the first time any of the other members butt in. “You’ve been through a lot, Sangyeon-hyung. We’re all sorry that we never realized.” The others nod, agreeing with him.

“Please, don’t be afraid to talk to us. We can try to help, and if we can’t, then we can at least help to support you. You don’t have to burden yourself with such a heavy weight all alone.” Younghoon follows up.

“I think,” Jacob starts again, “I think you’re scared, Sangyeon. It’s not only the hatred and everything else that’s attacking you, but fear. You’re scared of what’s to come, what happens in the moment, and everything in the past. You can’t help but be scared in life, but your mind is blowing it out of proportion each time, which is causing you to panic.”

“...Why do you think so?” Sangyeon asks, but Jacob only responds with a sad smile.

“You’ve had quite the hectic day, haven’t you? Let’s all get to bed and get a good rest. You deserve it.”

Rallying everyone up, Jacob helps Sangyeon get to his feet, keeping him steady as they make their way back to the dorms. The two of them lag behind, giving them some privacy to talk to themselves.

“I went through something similar just around two years back. It wasn’t as severe, but I know the feeling.” Jacob explains, his expression unreadable. “I also had friends going through the same thing. We understood each other, but didn’t know how to help each other. I almost lost one of them.”

Sangyeon doesn’t respond, not knowing what to say. Of all things… Jacob too?

“So please. If you need to talk about it, talk. I don’t care what time of day it is, talk to me. Tell me how you’re feeling, so that I can help. I don’t want to lose you.” Jacob is almost pleading, his voice  going to a whisper and tears threatening to fall.

Swallowing the lump in his throat, Sangyeon takes Jacob’s hand, squeezing it tight.

“I’ll try.”

Jacob forces a small smile on his face, trying to lighten up the mood a bit as he squeezes back.

 

“That’s better than no.”

**Author's Note:**

> I tried to showcase Sangyeon's anxiety slowly overcoming him, until at the very end, when the panic attack builds. if you look through each section, his "other self" talks more and more, intruding his mind until it practically fully takes over.
> 
> and it feels this way too. slowly building until you can't take it anymore. I tried to be realistic, use not only my own experiences but what the composer, Lena Raine, tried to showcase in the music, which was inspired by her own experiences with anxiety, and I hope that I was able to do that.
> 
> how Sangyeon explains his feelings is directly taken from the game, being the reversed vocals in the game music. they're supposed to encompass the main character's thoughts and I really thought that line showcased how Sangyeon felt, so I included it into the fic.
> 
> [ twitter](https://twitter.com/tbz_sunlight)  
> [curiouscat](https://curiouscat.me/tbz_sunlight)


End file.
